My daughter just walked in and asked me to poke her butt.
I asked her why her mom never asks me that question.

I spend all day on the phone providing tech support.
So, people are wishing me "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" or some other type of sentiment.
I appreciate it, but I've decided I don't want to get in trouble in case I offend someone with my phrase of "May the Flying Spaghetti Monster endow you with empowerment and being" or "Festivus!".
So, my holiday greeting is going to be "May the Force be with you!"
It is non-denominational and it really helps if you are fighting a Sith Lord.

So, we're eating dinner at Bob Evans.
While we're waiting the kids are doing the little booklet that doubles as a menu and entertainment for them.
We get to the word search.
My wife laughs.
She looks at the word search.
I'm thinking she has found a dirty word.
Plain as day, right smack on the word search is the word "satan".
We laugh.
I debate making a scene since we're in the bible belt.
I decide against it.
But, I figure we have a movie plot on our hands.
After all, an anagram of Bob Evans is Save Bono.
So, I figure a god (not THE GOD) has probably given me a mission to SAVE BONO from SATAN!

I am glad there are laws.
Laws are there to protect people.
[Jetta] what ya do now?
Nothing.
Because there are laws.
Laws that protect a four year old from getting whacked in the middle of the library after throwing a hissy fit because she can't check out a Harlequin romance novel.
But, it was cool.
Santa was downstairs.
Her activity was reported.

So this guy at work today sounded like Truman Capote.
I would have to put him on hold so I could either laugh or mock.
It was great.
He couldn't understand how a web site named "xyzzy" could somehow update his secure information on doman called "abc123"
I finally said "Ever shop at Amazon.com?"
He said he did.
I said "What does something named amazon have to do with books?"
He said point taken and used the web site and we both got on with our lives.

Well, time for dinner.
It is loaf of meat.
My wife got the recipe from my mom.
Someone keep a phone handy.
I might need medical attention.
Or possibly a priest, or perhaps a good attorney.

I like basset hounds.
I am the same way.
I drool.
I'm quiet, unless left unsupervised.

The other day I had a caller ask if we could make their printer print slower because they weren't prepared to handle it being so fast. You have to think the person getting that trouble ticket is scratching their head, but the customer asks for service so we put in the request. "Customer requests printer won't print so fast." When we write up the tickets, we read them back so the customer can confirm what we've entered. In this case the customer agreed with what I wrote. I added a little note in the tech notes for the field tech, as well. At first I was going to apologize then I decided they needed a laugh as well.

My first caller of the day...
The phone rings, I answer with my usual phrase and the customer says "Oh, I guess I should break it so you can fix it. I'll call back after I do that." *click*
You have to wonder.

So the other day I was driving down the road, saw one of those "Attractions" signs that they post so you'll know what is nearby as far as sights and entertainment and such.
I got a little upset.
So, on this road sign was "Your Mom -- 4 miles".
I thought that a bit rude.

I came upstairs to help the kids get ready for the evening, bath time, picking out clothes and such.
I get to the top of the stairs, and look over and there stands one of the twins naked as a jaybird, her legs slightly apart and she has a mirror and is using it to check herself out.
I asked what was going on, she said nothing.
Yep, she's a kid.
I asked if she had questions, she said she did.
I asked her if she wanted to go talk to mom.
She said she did.
I left, poured myself a double and went back to playing computer games.
I will not survive three girls, puberty, and boys I think.

Well, I just tried to do the Snoopy dance in celebration of It's a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. I think I threw out my back.

A customer calls with a system problem.
I ask them to power off the computer.
They ask me if they should power it off completely.
I debated telling them to only shut off what wasn't working and we'd
leave the good stuff on.

So I'm watching the tv show Numb3rs the other night.
The episode is about an MMORPG and some other stuff.
The characters in the show are talking about their characters in the game, and using gaming lingo.
Builds, guilds, alliances and other nonsense.
In any case I looked over at my wife and said "I sound like that, don't I?"
She said yes.
I said "Damn, I'm such the nerd."
She said yes.

For my MMORPG friends that read the blog, the final line should be "She said that my build sucks and I should shut up and respec."

So, I went looking in the cabinet today for a new razor.
I noticed the plethora of feminine products.
They were "light" or "mini" or "with wings", and it got me to thinking.
If dudes got periods instead of women, our products would be stuff like "Blood Dam 4000", "Clotstopper 2K", and "Mega Flow Blocker with Extras"
We wouldn't have wussy product names. We'd have cool products.
"The Hoover Dam of flow control" would be a tagline.
There'd be a skull on the packaging.
We wouldn't have wings on 'em, we'd have flames!
So, after that line of thinking I realized something else.
If guys got periods, we'd cure it.

My wife is punishing me for napping.
She went out to get dinner while I was unconscious.
She brought home Little Caesar's pizza.

Would an earthquake on Mars be a marsquake or can non-Earth soil be deemed "earth" or would you go outside and dig in the mars if you lived there?

After asking the question all I heard was a bang and a thud from his cube.

I just told my wife that I thought her arse was haunted, or possibly possessed.
I offered to exorcise it for her.

Uh oh, I've been told we are going over to my mom's place.
We have to go, because that is where the littlest one is being kept at this time.
Apparently my suggestion to leave her there until college was nixed by the others.

Oh well, I'm out.
I'll be back.
Tomorrow.
Unless I get a better offer.
Or a computer that'll be stable with WoW.
Or the wife drinks too much.

Trying to play some WoW on the other machine.
Watching it die, then listening to me curse, then yelling at the wife to stop yelling at me for cursing at the computer.

The wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday and for Christmas.
Apparently nookie either isn't an option or is already gifted.

We took the four year old to the movies today.
At one point she was dancing in the aisle with the empty popcorn bucket on her head.
Yeah, there is my future Ivy Leaguer.

The littlest one has returned home.
My mom apparently had enough of her.
I don't know.
I got home.
The little one was here.
The wife was drinking, crying and curled up in the fetal position.

I'm trying to convince the wife into makin' out since we're kidless.
She isn't interesting.
er, interested.
She's interesting.
:)

The four year old beat me with a stick to wake me up.
We went to the library, her soccer game, then a birthday party for a classmate of hers.
We're home now.
I'm hiding out.

Nite folks
Bed is calling to me.
Collect, though.
Which is weird.
I gave it a calling card to use.

Customer Service Week continues at my office.
Yesterday was pajama day, nothing says customer service like boxer shorts and hair up in curlers.
Today is Redneck day. We are in Kentucky.
How is today any different than any other day?
I guess if someone dresses up in something other than a rented powder blue tuxedo that might count.

It is "Customer Service Week" at my office this week.
In celebration of it, today is "Pirate Day". After all, no other group says customer service quite like pirates.

My daughter is tricky.
She is coniving [sic]
She asked me to play Star Wars.
Star Wars Barbies!
(everyone else) HA HA!

I like you.
You're fun.
If you had boobs, it'd be even better.

So I got home today, and found that someone had fed the dog an amazing amount of chili or something.
She had a poop fest in the living room.
My wife called, right as I walked in and made this discovery.
I asked her if she wanted to clean up the dogs mess.
She said no, I could clean it up.
I said okay, you'll clean up my mess when I get sick.
Women are impervious to odor, smell and foulness after they bear children.

Although my mother-in-law has the same birthday as my daughter.
It angers my mom, she thinks we need to have another kid and have it on her birthday to make it even.

So I asked the kids what they wanted for dinner.
One said Mexican.
Another said Italian.
A third said Canadian.
I'm raising a smart ass.

I went to Mickey Dee's.
The kids are in the play place having fun.
This really, really fat kid waddles into the zone.
He is wheezing to walk.
The illegitimate son of the Michelin Man is in the house when this kid is around.
He lugs himself over to the playground and proceeds to maneuver into the play place.
It is like a giant Habitrail for kids, with tubes and levels and slides and stuff.
The kid barely fits into the playset.
He is climbing or sliding around and is wheezing, and crying that he can't make it.
I'm thinking, "Wow, I am going to be on the evening news when the kid has to be rescued with the jaws of life".
So he manages to flop himself into the slide tube and pulls himself out.
His mom, Jabba the Hutt, comes into the play area and tells him it is time to go.
He gets all sad.
He can't bend over to tie his own shoes he is so big.
He isn't that old, you can tell but he is huge.
Mom ties his shoes, and says she'll get him something.
I'm thinking "Jenny Craig", instead I see 'em eating when I leave and he's working on a Double QP.
Sad.
It really ruined me eating my double mega order of biscuits and gravy.

I work at a help desk. The calls I get are the usual.
Today I had one of those calls that shouldn't surprise you.
The customer called in because they couldn't change their password on a system they didn't have an account on and were kind of perturbed about it.
I asked them to make sure they didn't have an account, and that they weren't just using the wrong system. The confirmed they didn't have an account.
I checked the system and they didn't have an account.
I asked them why they wanted to change the password on an account that didn't exist.
They thought they should be able to do it for some reason.
I can't figure it out.
I said to apply for an account on that system then they could change the password on the account.
They asked me to make the account for them because if they did the paperwork it would be a waste of time.
I think they must have worked for the government.

It is warm in here.
Now it is cold in here.
I'm having hot flashes.
I think I have the menopause or something.

So, between my wife and I we have six degrees.
One of the kids had brake problems on their little bike.
So we worked on it.
We're educated.
We can't fix the front brake.
Somehow I end up taking off the rear tire, the chain and the seat to try to fix this.
I'm not mechanically inclined.
Maybe I'll go get pizza.

So, the dog ate an entire loaf of bread apparently.
The wife put the bread on the table.
Somehow the dog managed to get to the middle of the table, get the bag open then proceed to eat the entire thing.
The dog is going to either be clogged up for quite some time or will be jonesing for some peanut butter and jelly pretty soon.

So, I had some snacks.
Some spicy goldfish crackers.
I ate some, got tired of 'em and I am too lazy to take them downstairs and put in the trash.
The dog isn't around to feed them to her.
So I dumped them in the toilet.
I figured that was an easy way to get rid of them.
So I watched them float for a bit, then I flushed.
They swirled around, and left for the sea.
Some made it out.
Others survived.
I've left them in the bowl for someone else to find and ponder.
The three year old is at my mom's place so no one should use it as a "snack" bowl.
Well, the dog might.

This sounds like my HMO.

===

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302."
The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse."
After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, Good news.
Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine: her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

We have a password reset page that gives you two options.
One says "If you are on the corporate network, the other says if you are on a remote machine and not on the corporate network."
Someone called, asked me what option to pick if they were working remotely from home and weren't on the corporate network.
At least they knew their username.

The other day the two older kids wouldn't play with their little sister.
The youngest came in crying about it.
So, I went out to see what was happening.
The twins said they didn't have time to play with her, that they were busy.
I said they should play with their sister and include her.
I told the little one that if her sisters were mean to her that she'd go get ice cream and they'd stay home.
The two older ones played with her, had fun and all had an enjoyable time.
Later I asked each my older two if they were mean or nice, they each said nice.
I asked the youngest one if her sisters were mean or nice to her.
She said "MEAN! I GET ICE CREAM!"
Smart kid.

A customer called in earlier today for their account info, got their username and password.
The customer called back.
They can't get logged into the system for the first time.
The username and/or password doesn't work.
I verify their identify, and then confirm the username.
I spell the username out for them. The seem to accept it.
They try to login, it doesn't work.
I change the password, give the new password and confirm the username (again).
It doesn't work for them.
I ask to login as them, it works for me.
The customer finally says that the username I gave them was wrong and they were using the right one.
They didn't like the one we assigned them and thought it should be something different.
I wonder how you can support the irrational.

So my daughter was doing her homework.
She was writing a brief story about something.
She stopped.
She looked at me.
She said "Dad, my periods are messy."
And I thought "Yeah, just wait honey. Just wait."

A customer calls up with a problem with a Blackberry.
I give him the simple fix.
He says that won't fix the issue.
I asked him to try it, and why he thought it wouldn't resolve his issue when it works for so many others.
He said he didn't know why, but he knew that it wouldn't resolve his issue.
He refuses to try the simple/quick fix.
I ask him what will fix the issue.
He said he didn't know, but he figured he would call us.
Again I suggested he try the proven solution.
He won't budge.
I ask him why he called us if he doesn't want to fix the problem and what he wants us to do.
He asks for my manager so he can complain.
I ask him for his manager so I can complain about him.
He says he'll hang up, I don't know who he is and he'll try something else.
I repeat his name, his employee information, his phone number and office address back to him and thank him for calling.
He asks how I have all that, I said you gave it to us when you gave us your employee number when you called in.
He got quiet.
He tried the solution.
His device started working.
He thanked me.
I'm going to send him flowers.

Customer: (five minute rant about passwords, security, stupid requirements omitted). "What can I do about this?"
Me: (after listening to them whine for far too long) *thinking* "Resign?"

So I'm sitting in my cube and someone is being smart for a Monday and says "Great news! Only 8 hours until you get to go home." I turned, looked at 'em and said "Even better news! 23 hours until we get to come back and do this all over again." Mondays.

Battlemaxx thought this poster couold be applied to this blog.

I'm back.
I went to get the pizza.
I pull up to the pizza place, go in to pick up the order.
I ask for the call-in/carry-out, and they can't find it.
I'm like "WTF you can't find it? We called it in 20 minutes ago. Where's my pizza."
So after a while I end up with a couple of free pizzas, bread sticks, and soda.
I won. They messed up.
I get home.
I carry the stuff in, and the wife asks me why I have Donato's pizza stuff.
I'm like "It is where we get pizza from all the time".
She's like not this time, we had a coupon for Pizza Hut.
Yeah, I held up a store by being an ass.
Next time I'm trying it at a car dealership.

Okay, so Tuesdays are trash days.
The wife was up, and she bagged the trash. I said I would walk it down to the street before I left.
So, I took the trash out and walked down the hill from our townhouse to the street.
We don't have trash bins, so we all just leave our trash bags in a pile by the driveway and street.
I wind up and fling one of the bags of trash, as I release it I notice something moving amongst the bags already there.
I figure it is a raccoon, or maybe a cat. No big deal.
I toss the second bag, and it is targeted for the critter.
As it is about to make contact I realize it is a skunk.
A damned skunk was in the trash.
It turns towards me, and comes running.
I take off.
I have a skunk after me.
I run up the hill, and into the garage.
I'm wheezing, panting, and laughing and hoping the damned thing didn't follow me into the garage.
It didn't.
I got into the house, sweat is dripping off me, I'm panting and the wife freaks out because she thinks I've had a heart attack or something from just a little bit of effort.
I tell her.
She laughs at me.
I thought it was funny.
It would have been the perfect excuse to call off work.
"Umm Mike, I can't make it today. Yeah. I know. I got sprayed by a skunk. I have to be hosed off now."
Then I figured fsck it. If I had gotten sprayed, I would just go to work all smelly and they could deal with it.

One of my daughters, one of the 2nd graders, announced to us tonight at dinner that she has a boyfriend and that she loves him.
I am not prepared for this.
I do not own a shotgun.
I asked my daughter what his intentions were towards her.
I figure I am okay, though.
She doesn't really like him. She didn't kick him in the shin then turn and run.

My wife was complaining that we eat out too much.
I told her that we eat out so much because that is where the food is located.

A caller at work today called, said that her VPN was working.
I asked if there was an error message.
She said "How the hell should I know?"
I replied with a comment that she called about a problem, we were going to troubleshoot it and if we were to resolve the issue we would have to work together and I would need some information.
She said let me try to VPN.
She tried, she got in, she hung up.
I love my job.

So, this guy posts our first comment to the blog.
I was debating whether it was inappropriate or not.
I'm a fan of free speech.
So, I'm just going to assume that he wants me to find a nice cat some time soon.
Joke is on him, though.
I don't care for cats.
Unless we're talking chinese takeout.

[cwhyl] isn't harrry potter for kids?
[pointwood] so is nintendo wii ;)
So are boobies, to some degree or another for a certain amount of time.

I told my wife I'd like to see some boobies tonight.
She pointed me back towards the computer.

Well, I went downstairs right before the wife got home and started emptying the dishwasher, then working on dinner.
I made a mess.
I was sent to my room.
Plan successful!

Good night folks.
The three year old went Niagara in her bed.
I have to get the canoe and go rescue her.

I am going to a birthday party for twin six year olds.
It is Star Wars themed.
Hope it is the good Star Wars.

I just took a poop so hard core even Chuck Norris couldn't handle it.

I really wouldn't want to be associated with the Republicans.
I like to be able to think.
Although I pretend to be a Republican in City of Villains.
I play a Mastermind.
I control zombies.
So, they are like young Republicans.
Actually, to be honest I named the zombie minions after people at work that I don't particularly care for all that much.

So yeah.
The sex thing.
Here is one thing you can do to improve your sex life.
One simple thing.
Find a partner!
Preferably a willing partner.

Someone clogged up the toilet.
They come ask me if I did it.
I said no.
I said if I had done it I would have let it be known since I listed it as one of my goals for my focal review.

Here's one of my sample calls from today.
Someone calls in, their account is disabled for inactivity.
I re-enable it, tell 'em to wait until quarter til for it to become available.
They ask me if that was quarter til Eastern or Pacific.

My three year old walked into the room and informed me that her poop was blue.
Fortunately she did not bring a sample.
I'm going to trust her on this one.

I'm going to open a day care.
It'll charge like $5/day for your kid.
It'll be a series of pens set-up.
And an automatic cheerio dispenser that goes off every so often, but with just enough feed for all but one of the kids.
Gotta make 'em tough.
Survival of the fittest.
You want to eat, you gotta get in there.
You aren't tough, you don't eat.
The strong will survive.
The smart will survive.

I get bored at work, cutoff from the outside world.
Yeah, I hit dilbert and bbspot within a few minutes of logging into our phone system.
After that it is cnn, espn, job/career sites then off to wikipedia.
One day I'm going to file an exemption to the firewall for IRC.
My reason is going to be "I'm bored, if I don't gain access to the outside world I'm going to shoot myself."
$5 says the request is denied.
Because I didn't complete the script correctly.

Yo
It is bath time for the kids.
or as I like to think of it "up against the wall and spray 'em time"
Dang.
One of the kids pooped in the tub.
Well, there are tub toys involved.
Along with her sisters.
Now the wife wants to boil and bleach everything.

The wife spent the better part of the day thinking it was Saturday for some reason.
Even though I was at work, got up at 6 and she woke up to the alarm clock.
In any case I'm going to play the "Hey, it is Saturday night card" and see if that means weekend whoopie or not.
Wish me luck.

I just heard one of the kids yell out "I am not ready for you to pull my panties down".
I have no idea why it was said.
I hope to never hear it again.
If I do, my reaction won't be "What?"
It'll be "Where is the damned shotgun?!?!?!?!"

Nite folks, going to go beg the wife for some piece then quiet.

It is Father's Day.
The kids asked me what I wanted to do.
I said, eat fried foods, grilled meats and watch sports.
My wife asked me what I wanted to do.
I said, send the kids over to my mom's place.
She asked why.
I grinned and said so we could practice what made me a father in the first place.
She laughed.
She knew that meant begging, whining and alcohol.

http://www.madtux.org/
I saw an ad from them on the site.
But, I can't click on it.
It would violate the Geneva Convention, apparently.

Lunch time!
Be back later
Unless the wife uses the ham to lure me into something else.
In which case be back two minutes later than the original later.

I should not speak unkindly of a computer when I am using it.
Apparently it gets angry.
Very angry.

Well, I am back.
We didn't have dinner.
We had McDonald's.

So, I'm working on the PII 266, finally get video drivers installed on it.
I'm getting it to a usable point, to some degree.
I ran MS/Windows Update.
I waited.
I aged.
I waited some more.
I cleaned out my belly button.
I found Hoffa.
I quit, set it up for auto-updates, and shut down.
I powered the system up this morning to let it collect.
Now I'm watching a snail race across the room as the system patches 56 updates into the system.
I'll be eligible for retirement before this thing is done.

So, we just got back from the in-laws.
If you wonder where all the heat comes from, it is there place.
They keep it shut up, and the air off because the kids might come in and out a lot and no sense in letting the air out.
So, there I am, the fat guy wheezing and sweating and about to pass out.
It was like a sauna.
I'm laying on the tile floor in the bathroom, gasping for air.

The wife is trying to get me in the mood, she is reading from the new Dell catalog that came in the mail today.

I'm livin' the good life.
I'm feelin' lucky.
I went to Taco Bell.
They got my order wrong and gave me extra stuff.

Uh oh, wife is taking her laptop apart.
I can't decide if this is troubleshooting or a new form of foreplay.
If I'm lucky, it'll be both!

Earlier today, I made a comment about how much weight I have gained since high school.
I said don't call me fat.
My three year old called me fat.
Well, she informed me I was fat.

Linux doesn't get crap like Windows.
Linux is clean.
Windows is a dirty, dirty whore.
Linux is sweet, virginal and pristine.
I have an unhackable machine.
It is sitting out in the garage.
Unplugged, offline and in pieces.
I dare you to hack it.

So, I had dinner at my mom's place tonight.
She must have used extra-strength "kill my son" capsules this time around.
I'd hardly finished dinner and the stomacy tremors began.

I'm back.
So, I'm walking around with the three year old on my shoulders.
She proceeds to insert her fingers into my nostrils.
I ask her to remove them.
She keeps digging, probing and jamming them in.
Finally, I tell her she can keep what she finds.
She ends up with seven dollars in singles, a container of lemon rind and a map of Albuquerque, NM.
But my sinuses now feel amazingly clear.

So, yesterday the three year old found a new way to consume cheerios.
My wife was upstairs, heard a commotion and went down to find the three year old upset.
The child had a large mass inside her nostril, well the skin was rather bumpy so something was amiss.
My wife looked, saw the cereal up her nose and ran to get the tweezers.
She got back, the lump was gone and the child was fine.
Wife asked the kid what happened, and how she got rid of the cereal and the kid showed her or made the sound for snorting.
So, the kid snorted o's.

I'm back.
I went to school.
Had lunch with the kids.
All 200 of them, it would seem.
By the way, do not hit on the teachers when your wife is present.
It makes for some awkward moments.
But if you use the kids bathroom it does make you feel like a giant.

Sprays the darn things, they keep coming back.
Come to think of it, she sprays me and I keep coming back.
She keeps saying she needs to have me sprayed.
Wait.
think I put an "r" in there that wasn't needed.

Earlier today, on the way home, I called my wife.
The three year old took the phone away from her and started babbling.
I hung up.
My wife called back.
I said if I wanted to deal with the mentality of a three year old I'd turn around, go back to work and take calls from our users.
Actually I shouldn't say that.
It insults my daughter.

So, a co-worker wore a very, very tight t-shirt to work today that totally revealed what they had.
I'm serious.
There are some things a 55 year old man shouldn't wear in public.

And remember this:
There is a fine line between stupidity and clever.

I recruited someone else to read the blog.
We're growing in viewership.
I think we've increased by 50%, from 2 to 3.

[Jetta] ok gf is here - bbiab
Woot!
Hide the pr0n.
Hide it!
Everybody act cool.
Be casual.
[TomM] I'll hide the pr0n for ya. Just send it over.
We'll probably have to contract out the shipping and packing.
Hire workers in shifts.

Well, the wife has left me.
She took the kids.
Went to the in-laws.
I'm all alone.
Unsupervised.
I can watch all the BSG I want.
When I get hungry I can go to Taco Bell.
I just have to behave myself until they return.

Well, I am heading off to bed.
The wife leaves town tomorrow.
I have to give her a going away present.
I'm going to take some Tylenol PM and nod off quickly so she won't have to put up with me.

We came over here, the kids wanted to wash the van.
So, they washed until the water got icky, then I had to finish.
Oh well.
Apparently if it involves icky you have to ask dad.

My mom is funny.
She reads the scores and makes it up in her head who is going to play.
Somehow she has Tennessee out, and Vandy is still playing.
I'll miss her when we have to put her in the home.

Oh well.
The wife is in bed, reading.
She is covered up head to toe.
I'm getting mixed signals from her.
She's on the bed, so obviously she wants me.
But, she is covered up so I can't check her out almost as if she doesn't want me.
Or, she could be playing hard to get.
I may have to investigate.

We went for ice cream after we dropped the kids off.
Then stopped to pick up a 2 litre of Pepsi.
So yeah, fun night.
We came home.
I shaved.
Wild night.

The kids are with my mom.
The wife took me and the dog for a walk.
The wife is wide awake.
The dog is asleep on the couch.
I'm tired.
The wife is smooth, she had a plan.
She tired out the two who could still annoy her.
She is slick.

I got home, the kids were gone.
My mom has had them for most of the day.
I hope they are okay, my wife said my mom was going to cook for them.

It rained most of the day, I think.
I wouldn't know.
I was hunkered down in the cubicle, taking the calls, popping the stress tabs and hoping for a quick death.

She's a basset hound. She laid around, moped and slept.
She's like the dog version of me.

My three year old came parading through the room naked.
She was on the way to the bath.
The middle child soon followed, she was also naked.
The eldest came along, naked.
All three headed off for a bath.
I asked my wife is she was going to follow suit.
She declined.
I asked if she felt okay.
She said yeah.
So, I've got that going for me.

So, we're explaining heritage to one of the kids because she asked.
We explained my wife is 100% German.
So, our daughter is 50% German.
I explained she is 1/16th Native American, and 15/16th American Samoan.
She asked what samoan was, and my wife said "a cookie".
So, now the kid is saying "I'm half German, and half cookie"

Kids are all full of nyquil, time to enjoy some Scrubs!
I meant to say "Kids are all tucked in!"

So, I got up this morning, and had one of those fearful Monday mornings you dread.
I threw up, felt like crap and decided that since I didn't feel well I would go to work.

My daughter and I were playing with her Barbie laptop.
It is faster than my computer.

Canada is weird.
We should invade them, destroy them and take their bacon!

In other news, the Apprentice comes on in 10 minutes.
There's a three day waiting period for a hand gun, though.
Fate is a cruel mistress.

Well, I think I'll wander off in search of some food.
We're going to the park in a bit.
Food, then park.
Which means I need to find my book to take with me.
I'll sit and read, the kids will misbehave as heathens.
It'll be a good time for one and all.

Well, I think I'll wander off in search of some food.
We're going to the park in a bit.
Food, then park.
Which means I need to find my book to take with me.
I'll sit and read, the kids will misbehave as heathens.
It'll be a good time for one and all.

I had a dream I was chatting in IRC.
When I woke up, Pointwood was standing over me with a goat, and Jetta was in the other corner taking pictures of his dinner.
It was weird.
My wife started talking to me backwards, a dancing midget entered the room and the children were walking around on the ceiling.
All in all, something out of the Black Lodge in Twin Peaks, I presume

The U.S. sprang forward, the world appears to not have ended.
No thanks to Congress.
Wait.
No one greeted me when I arrived.
So, either everyone is asleep.
The world has ended.
Or, I'm trapped in some weird time paradox.
I could also still be asleep.

Wow, my daughter just came in and informed us that she has nothing to wear.
My wife looked at her and said she has a closet full of clothes.
My daughter stomped out mad.
I looked at my wife, shrugged and said "She's a woman."
My wife is now angry with me.

We're leaving them detailed instructions.
Stuff like, cheerios go in the kids and laundry detergent doesn't.

Tomorrow I go to the conference to be a story teller.
The wife and I have our own room.
And you know what that means!
If she packs the bacon grease I know it'll mean one thing.
If she packs the .38 it means something completely different.

I wonder how much bacon I could eat before I died, passed out or threw up.

I came real close to bringing sexyback, but decided tro leave it where it is, for the moment.

I thought eating a bloomin' onion, a bunch of bread, the prime rib, a salad, the potato, then a big ol' dessert was an awesome idea.
My stomach wishes to declare that it wasn't such a good idea.

bacon, the meat lover's chocolate

Time for some more whilden facts.
when whilden breaks wind (farts), an angel gets its wings (clipped)
Buffalo wings were originally going to be called Buffalo whildens.

My three year old is sick.
She has the croup.
We debated taking her to the emergency room.
But, I'm not sure leeches and faith healing will resolve the illness.

Oh well.
The wife wants to take a nap.
The middle child wants to cry because she can't fold paper.
The youngest is hungry and wants to make her own lunch.
I want to live in a wet county so I don't have to drive as far to get a drink.
Well, off to get some lunch.
Be back some time later in the future, or possibly the past.
You never know how time travel might work out, especially when you're using an MS OS.

[Jetta] so how was t-ball?
It was fine.
I only got hit once.
Most of the kids paid some attention part of the time.
No parents threatened me, and I only had to go into the stands once to punch a parent.
The police didn't get called this week.
No media, either.
All in all, a successful outing.

We have t-ball in about 45 minutes.
So, have to get the kids ready and head over to the Y.
Of course the Y is next door, so it takes all of three minutes to walk there.
It takes seven hours of preparation to make the walk, though.
The moon landing requires less effort than wrangling these three kids out the door to a destination in a timely fashion.
Less personnel and money as well, probably.

So, one of the kids is helping her sisters do their hair.
I had to step in and intervene.
I had to explain that "doing their hair" did not mean chopping it off with scissors.

So, there was a vacant building down the street from us that was a series of failed restaurants and was most recently the campaign headquarters for the then mayor who lost.
The building basically houses losers.
Apparently.

(Jetta being confused (as usual) about mention of DST issues with Windows
Umm, DST changes this year.
It begins three weeks earlier, and ends a week later.
We've had all these meetings about it.
It is worse than Y2K.We're counting on 42,000 employees to download a patch, update their OS, download and run a program to fix/update Outlook, download an update for their Blackberry and patch Java.
Well, we're not.
We (as in the help desk) are counting on a lot of phone calls and a lot of tickets.
Personally, I'm counting on a lot of missed meetings and angry people.

We should invent whildenisms, kind of like the Chuck Norris phenomena.
Bah!
whilden in small amounts is known to cause a rash in small children
whilden should not be taken internally
whilden may stain, apply a small amount to test

So, Corporate IT Communications sent out a mass e-mail.
When they do that it basically reminds all the dorks, idiots, fools and morons that there is a help desk and how to reach us.
So, the phones rang this afternoon with people who've had problems for months but couldn't bang the digits on the phone to make it dial.
It was fun.
One person was asked if they read the memo or just scrolled to the bottom and dialed the phone number.

So, the three year old yells out "I pooped" after she goes and makes the poop.
It is here signal for "Hey dad, come wipe my butt!"
I hope she grows out of it.
No way I'm doing that for when she's in college.

Well, the wife proposed a snack.
She claimed it was cake.
I took a bite, asked her what it was, and she said "Cake, what do you think it is?"
I said "Exhibit #1" in the abuse case.
She wasn't happy with me.

I need to pull enough overtime (for now) to pay for daycare.
I figure if I did it for a day or two and started not coming home until 8:30 at night that my wife would let me back off.
But, when I mentioned it and she thought overtime would be a good idea I asked her how much drinking or medication I'd require to pull it off.

We've got your tombstone picked out, as well.
It'll read "Jetta. He died a virgin."
The runner-up was "Jetta. He almost kissed a girl that one time."
Someone wanted to add "but the girl was actually a dude!" but the rest of us thought it was in bad taste.

Well, time to wander off.
Wife is cooking bacon.
She must be trying to get me in the mood.
or, clog up my arteries.

So, I'm sitting here.
Apparently I've got lotion.
and I've got tissue.
Now all I need is some porn.
Without porn it is mostly like every night back in high school.

It is Valentine's Day.
I told the wife what she was getting for Valentine's Day.
I promised her I would drug myself up so I'd be asleep before she came to bed.

I was at the mall with one of the kids the other day.
We got separated.
Luckily a police officer was nearby and found my daughter.
The officer said to my girl "What's he like?"
My daughter said "Pepsi and women with big boobs"
I love my kids.
They're awesome.

I work all day and have to take calls and all my friends have left the company, so I come here expecting to be able to socialize and instead I am greeted with quiet.
If I wanted awkward silence I'd sit with my wife.

So the three year old got mad at my wife the other day.
She said she was going to sell off her mommy and get a new one.
I offered the kid $2 for the mommy.
I won!
I think I got a bargain.
'cept my wife said that even though I bought her she still isn't going to listen to me.
I asked the three year old about a refund, she declined.

So the losers didn't hire me.
Now I have to enlist them in the military as an act of revenge.
It bothers me.
I nailed that interview.
I'm qualified and I would have been good at.
Maybe when I said "I hate people and will destroy all mankind" during the interview it didn't help me as much as I thought.

This just in!
The wife is applying for a job.

We had makeup sex.
Well, she put on makeup.
Then she had sex.
I think.
I couldn't tell.
She had the door closed.
But, I could hear noises.

So, when I'm not taking calls at my job and off on a special project I have to take notes and report them to the lead and the manager.
Today I was in a meeting and in the notes to them I wrote "So and so spent 20 minutes rambling about permissions to something that will be removed before go-live, then didn't notice when we interrupted him to point out that we didn't need the functionality and it wasn't going into the next build."
I'm hoping they'll read stuff.
I also included my recipe for "mock cereal" in the meeting minutes.

Well, the bait shop in the mall closed up, guess I have to drive to Lexington if I want me some sushi.
Or, I have to go catch it myself.
Battlemaxx gotta eat.
Wife burned the bacon tonight.
She decided it was healthier for me, figured I wouldn't eat it.
I proved her right.
800 degrees Fahrenheit is not an appropriate oven temperature to cook with, me thinks.

Wife and I are fighting.
She made fish for dinner.
I'm hoping to die in my sleep.
The usual.

We were supposed to get snow.
Didn't get any.
We were supposed to get more snow.
Didn't get any.
The wife promised me sex.
Didn't get any.
Do you see the trend here?

whilden plays blackjack, drinks and supports his wife and her shopping habit.
In exchange, she lets him be seen in public with her.

Jetta, come pick me up and we'll roll over and hang out with Silicon and Co.
[Silicon] Works for me
Bring the GF, you can drop her off with my wife.
She'll learn things to make your life miserable.
That probably isn't a selling point, now that I think about it.

The three year old is smart.
She is taking a bite out of each cookie.
No one else wants to eat them, then.
I think of it as quality control.

The kids are making cookies with grandma, it could be an exciting time or a trip to the emergency room.

She doesn't have to ask me about anything, she'll do what she damn well pleases.
She's German.
If I mess with her, she invades France.

We had lunch at my mom's place, the wife has Poison Control on speed dial.

Well, I am out of here.
See ya'll later.
I have to go make sure the dam doesn't fail.
Going to look for a dyke to stick in it.

So, during the interview today they asked me why I wanted to leave my current company and current city of residence.
For the first part I talked about advancement, lack of opportunities here, need to move elsewhere so might as well look around.
For the second part I asked "Have you ever been to Somerset?"

So, I looked over at the wife and said no one was talking to me in IRC, the gaming rig has hung and there is nothing on tv and asked her if she wanted to have sex.
So, she did.
I can't win.

Taco Bell is one of those "I'm hungry, I don't know what I want but I want a lot" kind of places.
It is also good when you are contemplating suicide and figure you want them to find something in your stomach during the autopsy.

I took the kids out this morning, had some breakfast, grabbed a newspaper and came home
While we were out I saw this pamphlet titled "Dentistry Revealed".
I thought it was amusing, like dentistry was some big secret the area had to be told about.
But, looking at some of the people around here they may want to consider something more than a pamphlet.

I got fired today
Yep.
My wife isn't all that upset, either.
Of course it was my three year old doing the firing.
She's mad at me.
I ate her m&m candies.
So when I got home I was met at the door by the three year old, she looked at me and said "Daddy, you're fired!" and she stomped off.
I asked what that meant, and she said I had to leave.

I can't bring myself to spend money on stuff, though.
Money is tight.
I got a bonus at work.
My wife asked me what I was going to buy for myself.
I said "groceries".
:)

My company has developed a time machine.
We can take someone one hour into the future in only 61 minutes.

So, my eldest daughter asked the wife where babies come from.
My wife tried to explain it, and the daughter kept asking questions.
I am quite disturbed.
Apparently my wife provided quite a bit of information.
And, I'm like "A six year old doesn't need that kind of info
So, I told the wife when our daughter comes home knocked up it will be my wife's fault, and she'll have to deal with it.
I'm not going to jail for that one.

It is funny, people write text in their descriptions like "Don't attack me, I have 50k attacks to unleash on you
It is funny, you can only hit someone 50 times/day, so 50k don't mean squat.
I was going to change my description to read "This account protected by all the idiotic things everyone else puts here to say don't attack them because of, AND I'm still bangin' your mom so STFU!"
:)

Dice.com is to headhunters what myspace.com is to pedophiles.

There may be a mouse in the house.
So, everything in the house has to be cleaned, boiled, sanitized and atomized just in case the mouse or mice thought about touching it, came near it or were in the same room with it.
I don't argue with the wife.
It's easier to go along with her.
She's German.
If I question her, I have to go into the freight car by the railroad and surrender, then it gets ugly.

We're over at my mom's, I may have to go back and watch football on the other tv.
I hope to be home to watch the Rose Bowl.
But, my mom wants to feed the kids pizza before we go.
I think the kids have an immunity to my mom's cooking.

I'm verifying the fact that I'm not allergic to shrimp.
I think I've had a couple hundred of them today.
I'm pretty aggressive in eating them, apparently. I've got cocktail sauce stains on my shirt, in the armpit
At least I think it is cocktail sauce.

I made a resolution.
I promised myself I wouldn't yell at my wife or kids this year.
And, each time I felt myself getting angry I'd just calm down and go take a shower.
The wife is wondering why I've taken 18 showers today.

Earlier today my wife asked me why I wasn't snacking.
I said I was holding out for the sausage balls.
My wife said we weren't having them for the holiday.
I said "You've let two hours of solid snacking go by without telling me?"
We're going to see a marriage counselor tomorrow.

My mom clicks every click and on every pop-up and each e-mail she gets.
It is pathetic.
If she keeps this up, I'm replacing her computer with a Lite Brite.

The three year old is mad.
She bit a book, tore it and the wife sent her off to bed.
She's mad that she got sent to bed.
I suppose we should feed her occasionally.
But, she did devour a good book today, and she probably needs the ruffage.