"The computer was upgraded to Office 2007 and now has stripes."

I love web tickets.

It is early, we've already got a pair of winners:

1) "How do I submit an online request for service?" -- submitted via, you guessed it, the online request for service site

2) "Neither of my monitors will display anything, and I am seeing several error messages about the network." -- Umm, okay. Either the first part isn't correct or you are having flashbacks causing the second or maybe the monitors won't display anything but network error messages

Customer called in, said his computer was making a noises that sounded like a dying yak. My first thought was "How do you know what a dying yak sounds like?" then I started to ask "African or European yak?"

Our support phone number ends up published in various places so occasionally we get oddball phone calls. Today I had a vendor that called, and with an accent told me "I have technology that we just
invented that could have prevented 9/11."

So, I'm thinking to myself either he hasn't mastered the language OR he has mastered time travel. I'm hoping for the latter.

So, Lewis Black has that comedy bit about the dumbest thing he had ever heard. A phrase along the lines of "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"

Well, I defy you to find me a better ticket than this one:

Customer submits a web incident requesting service because the "back" button has disappeared from her web browser.
She elaborates that she has restarted the browser, rebooted the system and the problem continues. Even includes a screenshot indicating where the button should be, and generally seems to be with it and done a few troubleshooting steps on her own.

I call for follow-up, per our operating procedure. The customer tells me she resolved the incident. I thank her. She offers up that she was able to fix it by making sure her speakers were turned on. I confirmed that the "back" button was again appearing, she said yes but still had to work out the volume level but everything was fine. Again I made sure her browser was fine, and she was telling me about checking the speaker cables. I resolved the issue.

Some day I should write a book.
If someone would send me crayons I could also have illustrations.

It is barely 9 a.m. and I think if I took 100 calls today I couldn't get one that topped this opening line...

"Can you help me? I accidentally terminated myself..."

I'm like did you accidentally trip, sign a letter of resignation and have it fly into your boss or something?

Or, do we have a secret "I QUIT" web site no one has told me about...

In any case, Best. Call. Today.

So, here is one for today:

"I can't login."
Yeah, your password has expired.
"Does that mean I have to change it?"
Yes, because it expired you'll need to set a new password.
"Well, I'm not going to change it just because it expired. I like my
password."

Here is what I said: Okay, suit yourself but you know what needs to be
done. Let us know if we can assist you further.
Here is what I wanted to say: Okay, suit yourself but with an expired
password you can't get into the system, access your e-mail or submit
your time. So I hope the password you enjoy so much is worth not
getting paid and losing your job. Airhead.

"It isn't working."
What isn't working?
"The thing."
What thing?
"My e-mail."
What is working about your e-mail?
"It just won't work."
Okay. It doesn't work. Do you get an error message, a prompt, a dialogue box or any indication of an issue?
"Yes."
Okay. What?
"Nothing happens."
Okay, reboot your computer.
"I did, nothing happens."
Okay.
...

Some Days...

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
You come into work, the phones are already queued up so you know it is going to be rough.
Your first caller turns out to be as excited to be here as you are, and immediately starts griping.
So, the caller goes off about how they've been looking at instructions for an hour, clicked every link and read everything on the site about how to do this one thing.
I ask a couple of questions, and the customer lies.
I finally ask "Do you see the button at the very top with the big lettering that says 'First time users click here to get started?' and did you click it?"
They said no, click it, the app pops up and they act amazed and grumble.

I don't think this is funny, it is just more of life in the skewed Dilbertian Help Desk.

I just had a customer ask me if lower case was the same as small upper case letters. I honestly didn't know how to respond. So I said "uurrr" or something equally intelligent.

It is definitely Monday.

Today was stupid day at work.

One person called, wanted more memory for her computer because, and I quote, "It takes a long time to uninstall programs"

Someone else called and wanted a local tech to come out and look at their machine because a modem in Connecticut wasn't answering.

The other day I had a caller ask if we could make their printer print slower because they weren't prepared to handle it being so fast. You have to think the person getting that trouble ticket is scratching their head, but the customer asks for service so we put in the request. "Customer requests printer won't print so fast." When we write up the tickets, we read them back so the customer can confirm what we've entered. In this case the customer agreed with what I wrote. I added a little note in the tech notes for the field tech, as well. At first I was going to apologize then I decided they needed a laugh as well.

My first caller of the day...
The phone rings, I answer with my usual phrase and the customer says "Oh, I guess I should break it so you can fix it. I'll call back after I do that." *click*
You have to wonder.

A customer calls with a system problem.
I ask them to power off the computer.
They ask me if they should power it off completely.
I debated telling them to only shut off what wasn't working and we'd
leave the good stuff on.

We have a password reset page that gives you two options.
One says "If you are on the corporate network, the other says if you are on a remote machine and not on the corporate network."
Someone called, asked me what option to pick if they were working remotely from home and weren't on the corporate network.
At least they knew their username.

A customer called in earlier today for their account info, got their username and password.
The customer called back.
They can't get logged into the system for the first time.
The username and/or password doesn't work.
I verify their identify, and then confirm the username.
I spell the username out for them. The seem to accept it.
They try to login, it doesn't work.
I change the password, give the new password and confirm the username (again).
It doesn't work for them.
I ask to login as them, it works for me.
The customer finally says that the username I gave them was wrong and they were using the right one.
They didn't like the one we assigned them and thought it should be something different.
I wonder how you can support the irrational.

A customer calls up with a problem with a Blackberry.
I give him the simple fix.
He says that won't fix the issue.
I asked him to try it, and why he thought it wouldn't resolve his issue when it works for so many others.
He said he didn't know why, but he knew that it wouldn't resolve his issue.
He refuses to try the simple/quick fix.
I ask him what will fix the issue.
He said he didn't know, but he figured he would call us.
Again I suggested he try the proven solution.
He won't budge.
I ask him why he called us if he doesn't want to fix the problem and what he wants us to do.
He asks for my manager so he can complain.
I ask him for his manager so I can complain about him.
He says he'll hang up, I don't know who he is and he'll try something else.
I repeat his name, his employee information, his phone number and office address back to him and thank him for calling.
He asks how I have all that, I said you gave it to us when you gave us your employee number when you called in.
He got quiet.
He tried the solution.
His device started working.
He thanked me.
I'm going to send him flowers.

Customer: (five minute rant about passwords, security, stupid requirements omitted). "What can I do about this?"
Me: (after listening to them whine for far too long) *thinking* "Resign?"

So, Corporate IT Communications sent out a mass e-mail.
When they do that it basically reminds all the dorks, idiots, fools and morons that there is a help desk and how to reach us.
So, the phones rang this afternoon with people who've had problems for months but couldn't bang the digits on the phone to make it dial.
It was fun.
One person was asked if they read the memo or just scrolled to the bottom and dialed the phone number.