I like you.
You're fun.
If you had boobs, it'd be even better.

So I got home today, and found that someone had fed the dog an amazing amount of chili or something.
She had a poop fest in the living room.
My wife called, right as I walked in and made this discovery.
I asked her if she wanted to clean up the dogs mess.
She said no, I could clean it up.
I said okay, you'll clean up my mess when I get sick.
Women are impervious to odor, smell and foulness after they bear children.

Although my mother-in-law has the same birthday as my daughter.
It angers my mom, she thinks we need to have another kid and have it on her birthday to make it even.

So I asked the kids what they wanted for dinner.
One said Mexican.
Another said Italian.
A third said Canadian.
I'm raising a smart ass.

I went to Mickey Dee's.
The kids are in the play place having fun.
This really, really fat kid waddles into the zone.
He is wheezing to walk.
The illegitimate son of the Michelin Man is in the house when this kid is around.
He lugs himself over to the playground and proceeds to maneuver into the play place.
It is like a giant Habitrail for kids, with tubes and levels and slides and stuff.
The kid barely fits into the playset.
He is climbing or sliding around and is wheezing, and crying that he can't make it.
I'm thinking, "Wow, I am going to be on the evening news when the kid has to be rescued with the jaws of life".
So he manages to flop himself into the slide tube and pulls himself out.
His mom, Jabba the Hutt, comes into the play area and tells him it is time to go.
He gets all sad.
He can't bend over to tie his own shoes he is so big.
He isn't that old, you can tell but he is huge.
Mom ties his shoes, and says she'll get him something.
I'm thinking "Jenny Craig", instead I see 'em eating when I leave and he's working on a Double QP.
Sad.
It really ruined me eating my double mega order of biscuits and gravy.

I work at a help desk. The calls I get are the usual.
Today I had one of those calls that shouldn't surprise you.
The customer called in because they couldn't change their password on a system they didn't have an account on and were kind of perturbed about it.
I asked them to make sure they didn't have an account, and that they weren't just using the wrong system. The confirmed they didn't have an account.
I checked the system and they didn't have an account.
I asked them why they wanted to change the password on an account that didn't exist.
They thought they should be able to do it for some reason.
I can't figure it out.
I said to apply for an account on that system then they could change the password on the account.
They asked me to make the account for them because if they did the paperwork it would be a waste of time.
I think they must have worked for the government.

It is warm in here.
Now it is cold in here.
I'm having hot flashes.
I think I have the menopause or something.

So, between my wife and I we have six degrees.
One of the kids had brake problems on their little bike.
So we worked on it.
We're educated.
We can't fix the front brake.
Somehow I end up taking off the rear tire, the chain and the seat to try to fix this.
I'm not mechanically inclined.
Maybe I'll go get pizza.

So, the dog ate an entire loaf of bread apparently.
The wife put the bread on the table.
Somehow the dog managed to get to the middle of the table, get the bag open then proceed to eat the entire thing.
The dog is going to either be clogged up for quite some time or will be jonesing for some peanut butter and jelly pretty soon.

So, I had some snacks.
Some spicy goldfish crackers.
I ate some, got tired of 'em and I am too lazy to take them downstairs and put in the trash.
The dog isn't around to feed them to her.
So I dumped them in the toilet.
I figured that was an easy way to get rid of them.
So I watched them float for a bit, then I flushed.
They swirled around, and left for the sea.
Some made it out.
Others survived.
I've left them in the bowl for someone else to find and ponder.
The three year old is at my mom's place so no one should use it as a "snack" bowl.
Well, the dog might.

This sounds like my HMO.

===

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302."
The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse."
After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, Good news.
Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine: her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."