So, got my ass kicked in Yahtzee this weekend by my 88 year old aunt who has dementia.

So, I thought I was training the wife.
When she made a good meal, I told her.
When it was tasty and there were leftovers I would take them to work, then tell her how I enjoyed them.
When she made a bad meal, I wouldn't comment on it.
I'd praise good, say nothing for bad.
When she'd take the bad stuff and make me lunch, I'd forget it at home several days, if necessary.
She hasn't been paying attention or doesn't care.
I'm thinking of a new rule.
Every bad meal means she has to have the sex with me.
That'll teach her.
I'll be fat and horny in weeks!

So I sent a bag of marbles down to my wife with the youngest. I'd found the marbles while looking for my copy of Civ3.
I had the child ask my wife if she had lost 'em.
I think I am in trouble.

McCain would be like jabbing yourself in the eye with a fork for the next four years.

McCain's selection of Palin makes Bush look like Einstein for choosing Quayle.

The wife cooked something, said it was dinner.
SHE LIED!
It was this nasty smelling and tasting fish.
Even the kids didn't want to try it.
She tried calling it "chicken nugget"
She insulted chicken nuggets, imo.
She went to her meeting tonight.
She asked if she should bring something home.
I said food.

It is barely 9 a.m. and I think if I took 100 calls today I couldn't get one that topped this opening line...

"Can you help me? I accidentally terminated myself..."

I'm like did you accidentally trip, sign a letter of resignation and have it fly into your boss or something?

Or, do we have a secret "I QUIT" web site no one has told me about...

In any case, Best. Call. Today.

So, here is one for today:

"I can't login."
Yeah, your password has expired.
"Does that mean I have to change it?"
Yes, because it expired you'll need to set a new password.
"Well, I'm not going to change it just because it expired. I like my
password."

Here is what I said: Okay, suit yourself but you know what needs to be
done. Let us know if we can assist you further.
Here is what I wanted to say: Okay, suit yourself but with an expired
password you can't get into the system, access your e-mail or submit
your time. So I hope the password you enjoy so much is worth not
getting paid and losing your job. Airhead.

"It isn't working."
What isn't working?
"The thing."
What thing?
"My e-mail."
What is working about your e-mail?
"It just won't work."
Okay. It doesn't work. Do you get an error message, a prompt, a dialogue box or any indication of an issue?
"Yes."
Okay. What?
"Nothing happens."
Okay, reboot your computer.
"I did, nothing happens."
Okay.
...

You'll have some of the best sex ever, after you are married.
Mostly with yourself or your girlfriend, though.

At work today this guy was nuking his food.
It was a couple of veggie dishes that didn't look all that good.
I told him that if he was better at the sex his wife would make him better stuff for lunch.
He said I was probably right.
Later I smiled at him and said "Look, my wife packed cheesecake in my lunch!"
I came close to asking him why his wife kept sending me cupcakes and fruit rollups.
I was being nice.

Well, dinner time.
I don't think it counts as dinner. It is some sort of fish.

Well, I wonder if the wife will make dinner or if I should drive and obtain food.
I could hunt and gather, 'cept Kroger's usually frowns on you carrying a spear and chucking it at the beef counter.

It is her wedding.
You think any different, you are wrong.
The wedding is for her.
The reception is for friends and family and the honeymoon is for the couple.
Some time later, you realize you were just there to facilitate all of it.
I got married so I could go to Disney World.
It turns out you don't have to go there just for a honeymoon.
You can also take her back there when she is knocked up.

So, this morning one of my callers informed me that I was rude and she did not like my attitude.
I told her to shut her cake hole and take a Midol.
[ma9mwah] she knew you
Actually I said "Mom, stop calling here!"

Some Days...

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
You come into work, the phones are already queued up so you know it is going to be rough.
Your first caller turns out to be as excited to be here as you are, and immediately starts griping.
So, the caller goes off about how they've been looking at instructions for an hour, clicked every link and read everything on the site about how to do this one thing.
I ask a couple of questions, and the customer lies.
I finally ask "Do you see the button at the very top with the big lettering that says 'First time users click here to get started?' and did you click it?"
They said no, click it, the app pops up and they act amazed and grumble.

I don't think this is funny, it is just more of life in the skewed Dilbertian Help Desk.

I am afraid Scott Adams can't make up humor like this.

I got an e-mail telling me about an e-mail that was coming out about how to fix something.
I got an e-mail telling me to read the e-mail about the fix.
I got the fix e-mail.
I got an e-mail telling me to read the fix e-mail.
I am expecting an e-mail asking me if I read the e-mail telling me to read the e-mail that was about the fix.
I hope e-mail breaks.

First call of the day...

Caller: "Umm, yeah I can't get into my e-mail, it says the password has expired. When I try to log into the system it says the password has expired and I need to change it. If I go to the web site, it says something about a password being expired. Is there a problem with my password and could it be expired?"

Me: *click* dial-tone

I think I have a case of "The Mondays".

So, the radio is on, a song comes and goes and a bit later one of the kids comes over and asks me what a booty is and how to make it talk.
All my hair greyed instantly.

Well, the four year old came home mad.
Apparently you can't lay on the t-ball field while they play.
She got mad when her coach, her mom, her grandma, the other coach, and people in the stands yelled at her to stand up.

My wife isn't smart.
She took two of the kids out to eat, while I stayed home with the one that was in trouble.
My wife didn't bring me home anything.
So, I haven't eaten.
She asked me why I didn't eat with the one.
I said I wasn't a prisoner, and thought I'd get a treat like the others that got to go free.

Happy Mother's Day!
Tonight, my wife is doing what made her a mom in the first place.
Tequila shots!

So, the four year old is running around the house naked, humming the theme from the Smurfs tv show.

I just had a customer ask me if lower case was the same as small upper case letters. I honestly didn't know how to respond. So I said "uurrr" or something equally intelligent.

It is definitely Monday.

I told my wife I wished she was a pothead.
That way we'd always have better and more snacks around the house.

So, today at work I was helping someone who used English as a fifth language apparently.
I was speaking with them, and pressing the "1" on my phone.
They asked me what the beeping was, and I said it was my phone.
They asked why it was making that noise.
I said I was pressing "1" for English.

Well, I tried to sniff the wife.
She whacked my nose with a rolled up newspaper.

The four year old is playing with an old Barbie corvette that once belonged to my wife.
The four year old has a Barbie in the passenger seat, and a stuffed hedgehog toy that belongs to the dog is behind the wheel.
Apparently the barbie doll likes it FREAKIE.

My four year old has figured out yet another way to torture me.
She runs after me trying to kiss me.
But, she does it while wearing coconut lip gloss.
I don't like coconut.

I figured out a way to get my wife to do the laundry and put it away.
I wear her underwear.
When she runs out, she launders stuff.
She sees me in 'em, and does two things.
Laundry and diet.

So, I have a new line to use.
Tonight I was like, "Can I have ice cream from Baskin Robbins?"
My wife said no.
I said "But my dad died today"
She then said yes.
So now I'm going to ask her for a puppy, and see if I have to play the trump card or not.

My four year old is funny.
Today she was over at my mom's place, and my mom leaves the room and comes back and finds my daughter bottomless.
The kid is over at the computer and mostly naked.
My mom asks her where her clothes went, and my daughter informs my mom that, and I quote "She can get more done on the computer like this"

So, we went shopping to look for me some clothes to wear for the visitation and funeral.
In honor of my dad we circled the parking lot for 45 minutes only to end up with a parking spot 7 cm closer than the one that was available as soon as we arrived.

We, the viewers of Battlemaxx, regret to inform you, our loyal readers, that Mr. Battlemaxx's father passed away today.

In lieu of flowers, Mr. Battlemaxx would like for all his loyal fans to surf some extra porn instead, thank you.

My daughter just said "Hey, look at all the sausage!"
I wonder what web site she is currently viewing, and if I should be concerned.

Well, dinner must be ready. The smoke detector is going off.
I don't know why she uses that as the timer, though.

I was giving the dog some of our leftovers from dinner.
Elwood, the dog, is good at catching stuff thrown or dropped.
So, I'm dropping some fish into her food bowl.
She gets wise, and decides to snipe a piece as it falls.
It falls, she goes for it and noses it.
Right into her water bowl.
So, she looks into the bowl, looks up at me as if to say "You go get it!"

So someone called today, needed help with a password reset.
They call up and say something about having password problems and they can't login.
So, me being the person who is probably going to help them ask them the most obvious question "What system?"
I am met with silence, a long breath, another long pause and finally "How the hell am I supposed to know?"

I came upstairs, turned the corner and found one of the kids stark naked standing on a step stool twisted and turning trying to look at her bottom.
No mirror in the room, so I asked why she was on the stool. She said it was so she could see better.

So, I woke up this morning and felt awful so I called off.
I came back to bed and found the dog in my spot.
She went for the warm spot.
Warm dog.
So, I tried to find a spot on the bed for me.
I took the dog's spot.
I woke up at one point only a few inches from the rear of the basset hound.
She, umm, how do I phrase this...
She "tooted" right then, I nearly gagged, passed out and choked.
I'm guessing she has had her revenge upon some past transgression I've done upon her.

My youngest daughter is weird.
She has adopted the broken cable modem as her "baby" and carries it with her.
Earlier she bathed it.
If it wasn't broken, it is now I imagine.

The wife found a new recipe for spaghetti.
You saute all the veggies, that makes the sauce and you don't use a 'real' sauce like you would think of normally.
It was quite tasty.
like my wife! :)

When a child grooms herself using toothpaste, soap and conditioner in her hair it might lead to trouble.

Well, I scared the crap out of one of the kids tonight.
Man, that wall is going to need to be scraped and painted now.

If I had a polar bear, I would name it Pickles

Today was stupid day at work.

One person called, wanted more memory for her computer because, and I quote, "It takes a long time to uninstall programs"

Someone else called and wanted a local tech to come out and look at their machine because a modem in Connecticut wasn't answering.

My youngest daughter asked me how old she had to be to get married.
I told her 40 or over my dead body.