The wife cooked something, said it was dinner.
SHE LIED!
It was this nasty smelling and tasting fish.
Even the kids didn't want to try it.
She tried calling it "chicken nugget"
She insulted chicken nuggets, imo.
She went to her meeting tonight.
She asked if she should bring something home.
I said food.

It is barely 9 a.m. and I think if I took 100 calls today I couldn't get one that topped this opening line...

"Can you help me? I accidentally terminated myself..."

I'm like did you accidentally trip, sign a letter of resignation and have it fly into your boss or something?

Or, do we have a secret "I QUIT" web site no one has told me about...

In any case, Best. Call. Today.

So, here is one for today:

"I can't login."
Yeah, your password has expired.
"Does that mean I have to change it?"
Yes, because it expired you'll need to set a new password.
"Well, I'm not going to change it just because it expired. I like my
password."

Here is what I said: Okay, suit yourself but you know what needs to be
done. Let us know if we can assist you further.
Here is what I wanted to say: Okay, suit yourself but with an expired
password you can't get into the system, access your e-mail or submit
your time. So I hope the password you enjoy so much is worth not
getting paid and losing your job. Airhead.

"It isn't working."
What isn't working?
"The thing."
What thing?
"My e-mail."
What is working about your e-mail?
"It just won't work."
Okay. It doesn't work. Do you get an error message, a prompt, a dialogue box or any indication of an issue?
"Yes."
Okay. What?
"Nothing happens."
Okay, reboot your computer.
"I did, nothing happens."
Okay.
...

You'll have some of the best sex ever, after you are married.
Mostly with yourself or your girlfriend, though.

At work today this guy was nuking his food.
It was a couple of veggie dishes that didn't look all that good.
I told him that if he was better at the sex his wife would make him better stuff for lunch.
He said I was probably right.
Later I smiled at him and said "Look, my wife packed cheesecake in my lunch!"
I came close to asking him why his wife kept sending me cupcakes and fruit rollups.
I was being nice.

Well, dinner time.
I don't think it counts as dinner. It is some sort of fish.

Well, I wonder if the wife will make dinner or if I should drive and obtain food.
I could hunt and gather, 'cept Kroger's usually frowns on you carrying a spear and chucking it at the beef counter.

It is her wedding.
You think any different, you are wrong.
The wedding is for her.
The reception is for friends and family and the honeymoon is for the couple.
Some time later, you realize you were just there to facilitate all of it.
I got married so I could go to Disney World.
It turns out you don't have to go there just for a honeymoon.
You can also take her back there when she is knocked up.

So, this morning one of my callers informed me that I was rude and she did not like my attitude.
I told her to shut her cake hole and take a Midol.
[ma9mwah] she knew you
Actually I said "Mom, stop calling here!"