Jetta, did I tell you about the photos I found on my mom's computer?
nope
good stuff?
Before I continue, got any pepto?
I had to pour bleach into my eyes.
I was supposed to be finding some pictures of the kids that we didn't have at home.
Instead I found what my mom posts to her "romance" and "dating" sites.
My eyes. My eyes. Oh my GAWD my EYES.
The horror.
I was like "Mom, you can't be lying about your age. I'm sorry, I think they can tell, and if they can't then maybe they have issues."
I don't think you can be in your early to mid 40s and have a son that is 36. Sorry.
I know this is KY, but there are some things even Spielberg can't stretch that much fantasy into.

On the lighter side, the mold on the bread should act as penicillin to counteract the food poisoning I may contract from the food my mom gave us.
Speaking of which, we're going over to my mom's place on New Year's Day.
I'm starting out the New Year with ptomaine [sic], or maybe just some simple botulism.

I wonder if I can get the wife to run out to Taco Bell.
I doubt it.
But, I think I can try
Denied.
Damn.
I wonder if there is anything edible in this house.
What we had for dinner passed for mostly edible.

I just wanted to let you know that unlike Justin Timberlake I am not bringing sexy back.
I'm leaving it where it is at.
Oh, and my blog has between 1 and 2 billion readers.
I can make 3 people sound like a lot, can't I?

A while back I did a comparison of the advantages of living with my mom vs. living with my wife and kids.
The mom won, because she does my laundry and cooks but lost points for trying to poison me with her cooking.

When you scream out "I gotta poop!" in the middle of a restaurant, you get strange looks when you do it and you are 36. If you're only 3 no one cares.

I was helping one of the kids with their reading homework tonight.
There is a moment when they need help pronouncing a word, something like "dipper" and for a moment you want to tell them something like "flooglehorn" instead of the correct pronunciation.
I think that is the defining moment of being a parent, when you do what is right instead of what will be hilarious for years to come.
Or, hilarious to you up until the divorce proceedings.

I've been in California, and thus without contact with society, and people and stuff.

My wife bought new tires for my car.
The tires are worth more than the car, I think.
A full tank of gas and the new tires makes the car worth about 125% of blue book value.
It's an old '95 Saturn SL2.
It, like its owner, is quite the l-u-v MOsheen.
er, love machine.

Flying didn't kill me.

Going to CA didn't kill me.

My mom invited me over for lunch on Sunday.

She wanted to attempt to accomplish what Delta and nature couldn't.

I was on a conference call today, I swear nothing happened because each thing was "solved" by one of the vague terms.
Oh, and another good term was "peer review". Someone wanted a typo corrected, and someone else said it'd have to pass peer review before it could be changed.
It was an obvious typo. There now has to be a meeting to correct a misspelling.

I really want to be management. I want to be in meetings all day, and when asked to do something I'll simply say vague things like "Table for later", "take it off-line" or "outside of scope".

I also like other phrases like "We need to push through this and get to the next item" and "Folks, stick to the agenda" and "Go on, we'll roundtable at the end" then you make sure time runs out before you finish and can open to the teleconference or room for questions.

I did make it to the beach.
I have this to say about the beach.
Fat chicks shouldn't wear spandex.
Fat chicks shouldn't wear belly shirts, either.

Coming back I had a layover in Atlanta, GA.
They know how to make sweet tea down there.
It is the south after all.
I took one sip.
The doctors were able to pull me out of the diabetic coma just in time for the second swig.
Only in "The South" can you get real, genuine sweet tea and good biscuits and gravy.

At the airport they say to keep an eye on your luggage.
What happens when you blink?
You've violated the policy.
For a moment you weren't looking at your luggage.
Anything could have happened to it.
So, you're lying to the people when you said your luggage hasn't been out of your sight.
It has been, it has been possibly hundreds of times.

Time to go help the kids with homework, or some such nonsense.
I wanted to marry 'em off by now, but the wife said no.

The wife is in the shower, now where is the digital camera.
hhmmm.
[Aka] yes, we want pix
I'll go ask, and see what she says.
[Aka] don't ask, do
She said if we stayed married for 20 years then I could see her nekkid.
[Aka] it's easier to ask forgiveness than for permission
I'm anxiously awaiting for that day.
At least you have an exit strategy
[Aka] didn't you learn that as a kid? If you ask permission they almost always say no. But if you do it, then say you're sorry, you get away with it.
Well, I didn't want to take any pictures that might be in competition with her web site.

Uh oh, we're out of toilet paper.
The dog is steering clear of me, as well.
Dang, there goes that idea.

Well, you do have that problem and we don't talk about it because we are polite.
And by problem I mean gambling.
And by gambling I really mean bed wetting.
But, we're a polite group of people here so we don't discuss it in those terms.
So, if we say "pointwood gambled all over the place last night" it sounds better.
You're a gambler, pointwood.

When we take the blog public there is going to be money, money I tell you.
The IPO will be huge.
Pointwood will have goats coming out his arse and everything.
* Battlemaxx waits for that last statement to totally get twisted to something way beyond manageable.
So, get busy and post some stuff, go back and check the logs from the weekend.
Mine that data for humorous nuggets and witty tidbits.
We need the fundage.
I'm only $80 away from $50.

I'm scheduled the fly out of the airport where the airplane crash happened a couple of months ago.
And, I'm flying on the same kind of plane.
I'm going to get kicked off the flight because I'm going to be the one yelling out "Check the compass! Check the runway! Go fast, go faster!"

Went over to pick my mom up.
I think she'd make a good Jewish mom in some respects.
She's like "Here, eat something."
I'm thinking "You've tried to kill me a few times already with that trick, lady. I'm not falling for it again."
She offered me some soup, then some pizza.
I finally looked at my wife and said I was going to go sit in the car.

I once got advice from the future.
Actually, a friend of mine asked me if 36 year old me had any advice that he would give to 26 year old me and I said sure.
He pressed and I said, first: don't ask the wife to participate in a three way, it'll anger her.
Second, she won't dig the back door action either, so don't go there.
Third, pretty much anything you'll suggest she'll shoot down, be thankful for what you get, take it and relish it just don't ask if you can put relish on it.
He got tired of that line of advice, and meant other things.
So then I said, I'd tell him to do the following: getting a teaching certificate, buy a helluva lot of Apple stock and lose 20 pounds and keep it off