Don't you hate it when you have a 15 minute break and an 18 minute poop-a-thon

Yo!
So, my mom sent me e-mail. She wants to make sure I don't starve while the wife is out of town.
My mom isn't much of a cook, though.
She thinks fabric softener is an ingredient in meatloaf.
I think she gave me food poisoning twice while I was living with her, but lost count.
Well, I don't think she gave it to me so much as made it available.

My wife lost out, all the other womenz got together and said "Look, someone has to marry him. We got together and picked you. So, you take him out of the loop and we'll make it up to you later."
She's still waiting.
She checks her e-mail, the mailbox and phone all the time.
She calls them, they don't call her back.

Time to duct tape up the kids and go out with the wife.

If a three year old runs up to you and licks you, it is kind of a novelty and cute.
A little icky, but not bad.
If grandma runs up to you and licks you, it's just pretty disgusting.

Yo!
If a three year old runs bottomless through Wal-Mart, it is kind of cute and funny.
If grandma does it, it is sad and there is a pretty good chance law enforcement will get involved.

My three year old was yelling at me and treating me poorly.
I told her to stop, that she was doing mommy's job.

It's customer awareness week, or maybe customer service week or some such nonsense.
Monday was red and purple day.
Today was hawaiian shirt day.
Tomorrow is cowboy day.
Thursday is hillbilly day and Friday is red shirt day.
Tomorrow I'm just going to walk around going "I can't quit you, [yournamehere] " to people since I don't have a cowboy outfit.
I asked if one of the days was "take a call, do a shot" day.
They sent me back to talk to HR.

We should take up a collection and buy him a woman.
or, rent him one.
or maybe find him one that is rent to own
I'm on the rent to own plan, I think.
She won't tell me the terms of the agreement, though.
So, I never know for sure.

If the wife doesn't tell you the rules, then she can yell at you when you break them or don't follow them.
It is written in the Geneva convention, I do believe.