Random blatherings by Battlemaxx

2009-11-13T20:33:00.000+01:00

$1360 for plane ticket and hotel

slightly cheaper than the $3200 price I found earlier

With the money you save, you could get a hooker or gfe

gfe?

girlfriend experience

ahh

I read about it on a web site.

I think that means she nags you, wants you to commit and makes you spend lots of money on her.

She'll also alienate you from your friends, probably.

But I'm not sure.

2009-11-13T18:47:00.001+01:00

So, I was telling my wife how "shit my dad says" has been optioned for a tv series and a book and stuff.

She thinks you guys need to get off your asses and post funny stuff.

Then, she also thinks I need to come up with funny stuff.

So I told her that I'd have more material if she cooked more often.

I then drew her a map to the kitchen.

2009-10-16T16:26:00.001+02:00

"The computer was upgraded to Office 2007 and now has stripes."

I love web tickets.

2009-10-13T14:47:00.001+02:00

Customer puts in an online request for service, which requires their username and password to access the system.

The ticket: "Please send me my username."

Best. Ticket.

2009-10-12T14:05:00.001+02:00

It is Monday morning.
I make the coffee.
I can't find any regular.
Everyone is getting decaf until further notice.
This is not a test.

Now I'm debating putting a sign up in the break room for this.
Nah, let 'em figure it out.

2009-10-06T13:50:00.001+02:00

It is early, we've already got a pair of winners:

1) "How do I submit an online request for service?" -- submitted via, you guessed it, the online request for service site

2) "Neither of my monitors will display anything, and I am seeing several error messages about the network." -- Umm, okay. Either the first part isn't correct or you are having flashbacks causing the second or maybe the monitors won't display anything but network error messages

2009-08-28T00:25:00.001+02:00

I think Windows Vista had the interface designed by someone who sat at a Mac for 30 minutes and also heard about apt-get from a buddy down at the Circle K.

2009-08-27T23:47:00.001+02:00

I got in trouble the other day, but the scenario is funnier if you use fast food as the example.

A customer walks into McDonald's and orders a Whopper. The cashier says we don't have Whoppers, but lets go get in my car and I'll drive you over to Burger King because that is what I have to do. The cashier takes the customer to Burger King, gets them their food and makes sure they are happy. Meanwhile, the customers at McDonald's are standing in line staring at a cash register with no cashier.

2009-08-27T17:15:00.001+02:00

"My buddy Hobbes contacted me the other day.
She wanted me...
To update the blog.
Damn, this was better had I stopped at the second line."

kthxbai

2009-06-07T19:21:00.000+02:00

Customer called in, said his computer was making a noises that sounded like a dying yak. My first thought was "How do you know what a dying yak sounds like?" then I started to ask "African or European yak?"

2009-03-03T23:03:00.001+01:00

She used wax paper because she was out of aluminum foil.
Now the oven is smoking.
Menthols, I think.

2009-02-27T22:40:00.002+01:00

So, there was an article about my company in a big magazine a couple of years ago. It wasn't favorable, and a co-worker just found it.
So, I explained that at least we weren't sub-contractors on the Death Star.My co-worker gets a puzzled look on his face and asks what is the Death Star.
I explain Star Wars, the Death Star, etc. to him.
He said he hasn't watch Star Wars.
I went and disabled his computer account and contacted HR.

2009-02-11T22:48:00.003+01:00

Our support phone number ends up published in various places so occasionally we get oddball phone calls. Today I had a vendor that called, and with an accent told me "I have technology that we just
invented that could have prevented 9/11."

So, I'm thinking to myself either he hasn't mastered the language OR he has mastered time travel. I'm hoping for the latter.

2009-01-26T17:15:00.003+01:00

So, Lewis Black has that comedy bit about the dumbest thing he had ever heard. A phrase along the lines of "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college"

Well, I defy you to find me a better ticket than this one:

Customer submits a web incident requesting service because the "back" button has disappeared from her web browser.
She elaborates that she has restarted the browser, rebooted the system and the problem continues. Even includes a screenshot indicating where the button should be, and generally seems to be with it and done a few troubleshooting steps on her own.

I call for follow-up, per our operating procedure. The customer tells me she resolved the incident. I thank her. She offers up that she was able to fix it by making sure her speakers were turned on. I confirmed that the "back" button was again appearing, she said yes but still had to work out the volume level but everything was fine. Again I made sure her browser was fine, and she was telling me about checking the speaker cables. I resolved the issue.

Some day I should write a book.
If someone would send me crayons I could also have illustrations.

2008-12-23T03:01:00.000+01:00

So, got my ass kicked in Yahtzee this weekend by my 88 year old aunt who has dementia.

2008-10-23T01:04:00.001+02:00

So, I thought I was training the wife.
When she made a good meal, I told her.
When it was tasty and there were leftovers I would take them to work, then tell her how I enjoyed them.
When she made a bad meal, I wouldn't comment on it.
I'd praise good, say nothing for bad.
When she'd take the bad stuff and make me lunch, I'd forget it at home several days, if necessary.
She hasn't been paying attention or doesn't care.
I'm thinking of a new rule.
Every bad meal means she has to have the sex with me.
That'll teach her.
I'll be fat and horny in weeks!

2008-09-21T16:24:00.000+02:00

So I sent a bag of marbles down to my wife with the youngest. I'd found the marbles while looking for my copy of Civ3.
I had the child ask my wife if she had lost 'em.
I think I am in trouble.

2008-09-15T19:55:00.000+02:00

McCain would be like jabbing yourself in the eye with a fork for the next four years.

2008-09-12T23:01:00.001+02:00

McCain's selection of Palin makes Bush look like Einstein for choosing Quayle.

2008-09-10T02:00:00.000+02:00

The wife cooked something, said it was dinner.
SHE LIED!
It was this nasty smelling and tasting fish.
Even the kids didn't want to try it.
She tried calling it "chicken nugget"
She insulted chicken nuggets, imo.
She went to her meeting tonight.
She asked if she should bring something home.
I said food.

2008-09-08T15:06:00.001+02:00

It is barely 9 a.m. and I think if I took 100 calls today I couldn't get one that topped this opening line...

"Can you help me? I accidentally terminated myself..."

I'm like did you accidentally trip, sign a letter of resignation and have it fly into your boss or something?

Or, do we have a secret "I QUIT" web site no one has told me about...

In any case, Best. Call. Today.

2008-08-26T22:44:00.001+02:00

So, here is one for today:

"I can't login."
Yeah, your password has expired.
"Does that mean I have to change it?"
Yes, because it expired you'll need to set a new password.
"Well, I'm not going to change it just because it expired. I like my
password."

Here is what I said: Okay, suit yourself but you know what needs to be
done. Let us know if we can assist you further.
Here is what I wanted to say: Okay, suit yourself but with an expired
password you can't get into the system, access your e-mail or submit
your time. So I hope the password you enjoy so much is worth not
getting paid and losing your job. Airhead.

2008-08-25T16:40:00.001+02:00

"It isn't working."
What isn't working?
"The thing."
What thing?
"My e-mail."
What is working about your e-mail?
"It just won't work."
Okay. It doesn't work. Do you get an error message, a prompt, a dialogue box or any indication of an issue?
"Yes."
Okay. What?
"Nothing happens."
Okay, reboot your computer.
"I did, nothing happens."
Okay.
...

2008-08-13T02:09:00.000+02:00

You'll have some of the best sex ever, after you are married.
Mostly with yourself or your girlfriend, though.

2008-07-24T02:19:00.000+02:00

At work today this guy was nuking his food.
It was a couple of veggie dishes that didn't look all that good.
I told him that if he was better at the sex his wife would make him better stuff for lunch.
He said I was probably right.
Later I smiled at him and said "Look, my wife packed cheesecake in my lunch!"
I came close to asking him why his wife kept sending me cupcakes and fruit rollups.
I was being nice.

2008-07-22T23:15:00.001+02:00

Well, dinner time.
I don't think it counts as dinner. It is some sort of fish.

2008-07-12T23:36:00.000+02:00

Well, I wonder if the wife will make dinner or if I should drive and obtain food.
I could hunt and gather, 'cept Kroger's usually frowns on you carrying a spear and chucking it at the beef counter.

2008-06-21T02:17:00.000+02:00

It is her wedding.
You think any different, you are wrong.
The wedding is for her.
The reception is for friends and family and the honeymoon is for the couple.
Some time later, you realize you were just there to facilitate all of it.
I got married so I could go to Disney World.
It turns out you don't have to go there just for a honeymoon.
You can also take her back there when she is knocked up.

2008-06-19T22:32:00.000+02:00

So, this morning one of my callers informed me that I was rude and she did not like my attitude.
I told her to shut her cake hole and take a Midol.
[ma9mwah] she knew you
Actually I said "Mom, stop calling here!"

2008-06-19T15:13:00.000+02:00

Some Days...

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
You come into work, the phones are already queued up so you know it is going to be rough.
Your first caller turns out to be as excited to be here as you are, and immediately starts griping.
So, the caller goes off about how they've been looking at instructions for an hour, clicked every link and read everything on the site about how to do this one thing.
I ask a couple of questions, and the customer lies.
I finally ask "Do you see the button at the very top with the big lettering that says 'First time users click here to get started?' and did you click it?"
They said no, click it, the app pops up and they act amazed and grumble.

I don't think this is funny, it is just more of life in the skewed Dilbertian Help Desk.

2008-06-04T22:05:00.002+02:00

I am afraid Scott Adams can't make up humor like this.

I got an e-mail telling me about an e-mail that was coming out about how to fix something.
I got an e-mail telling me to read the e-mail about the fix.
I got the fix e-mail.
I got an e-mail telling me to read the fix e-mail.
I am expecting an e-mail asking me if I read the e-mail telling me to read the e-mail that was about the fix.
I hope e-mail breaks.

2008-06-04T22:02:00.000+02:00

First call of the day...

Caller: "Umm, yeah I can't get into my e-mail, it says the password has expired. When I try to log into the system it says the password has expired and I need to change it. If I go to the web site, it says something about a password being expired. Is there a problem with my password and could it be expired?"

Me: *click* dial-tone

I think I have a case of "The Mondays".

2008-05-28T02:50:00.001+02:00

So, the radio is on, a song comes and goes and a bit later one of the kids comes over and asks me what a booty is and how to make it talk.
All my hair greyed instantly.

2008-05-24T18:14:00.000+02:00

Well, the four year old came home mad.
Apparently you can't lay on the t-ball field while they play.
She got mad when her coach, her mom, her grandma, the other coach, and people in the stands yelled at her to stand up.

2008-05-18T00:46:00.000+02:00

My wife isn't smart.
She took two of the kids out to eat, while I stayed home with the one that was in trouble.
My wife didn't bring me home anything.
So, I haven't eaten.
She asked me why I didn't eat with the one.
I said I wasn't a prisoner, and thought I'd get a treat like the others that got to go free.

2008-05-11T14:56:00.001+02:00

Happy Mother's Day!
Tonight, my wife is doing what made her a mom in the first place.
Tequila shots!

2008-05-04T18:57:00.001+02:00

So, the four year old is running around the house naked, humming the theme from the Smurfs tv show.

2008-04-21T23:21:00.000+02:00

I just had a customer ask me if lower case was the same as small upper case letters. I honestly didn't know how to respond. So I said "uurrr" or something equally intelligent.

It is definitely Monday.

2008-04-18T02:14:00.000+02:00

I told my wife I wished she was a pothead.
That way we'd always have better and more snacks around the house.

2008-04-17T23:28:00.002+02:00

So, today at work I was helping someone who used English as a fifth language apparently.
I was speaking with them, and pressing the "1" on my phone.
They asked me what the beeping was, and I said it was my phone.
They asked why it was making that noise.
I said I was pressing "1" for English.

2008-04-17T23:28:00.001+02:00

Well, I tried to sniff the wife.
She whacked my nose with a rolled up newspaper.

2008-03-31T03:31:00.000+02:00

The four year old is playing with an old Barbie corvette that once belonged to my wife.
The four year old has a Barbie in the passenger seat, and a stuffed hedgehog toy that belongs to the dog is behind the wheel.
Apparently the barbie doll likes it FREAKIE.

2008-03-30T15:57:00.001+02:00

My four year old has figured out yet another way to torture me.
She runs after me trying to kiss me.
But, she does it while wearing coconut lip gloss.
I don't like coconut.

2008-03-30T15:56:00.000+02:00

I figured out a way to get my wife to do the laundry and put it away.
I wear her underwear.
When she runs out, she launders stuff.
She sees me in 'em, and does two things.
Laundry and diet.

2008-03-19T03:22:00.001+01:00

So, I have a new line to use.
Tonight I was like, "Can I have ice cream from Baskin Robbins?"
My wife said no.
I said "But my dad died today"
She then said yes.
So now I'm going to ask her for a puppy, and see if I have to play the trump card or not.

2008-03-19T03:06:00.000+01:00

My four year old is funny.
Today she was over at my mom's place, and my mom leaves the room and comes back and finds my daughter bottomless.
The kid is over at the computer and mostly naked.
My mom asks her where her clothes went, and my daughter informs my mom that, and I quote "She can get more done on the computer like this"

2008-03-19T03:03:00.001+01:00

So, we went shopping to look for me some clothes to wear for the visitation and funeral.
In honor of my dad we circled the parking lot for 45 minutes only to end up with a parking spot 7 cm closer than the one that was available as soon as we arrived.

2008-03-19T03:01:00.002+01:00

We, the viewers of Battlemaxx, regret to inform you, our loyal readers, that Mr. Battlemaxx's father passed away today.

In lieu of flowers, Mr. Battlemaxx would like for all his loyal fans to surf some extra porn instead, thank you.

2008-03-02T22:38:00.001+01:00

My daughter just said "Hey, look at all the sausage!"
I wonder what web site she is currently viewing, and if I should be concerned.

2008-02-23T19:33:00.001+01:00

Well, dinner must be ready. The smoke detector is going off.
I don't know why she uses that as the timer, though.

2008-02-16T02:34:00.001+01:00

I was giving the dog some of our leftovers from dinner.
Elwood, the dog, is good at catching stuff thrown or dropped.
So, I'm dropping some fish into her food bowl.
She gets wise, and decides to snipe a piece as it falls.
It falls, she goes for it and noses it.
Right into her water bowl.
So, she looks into the bowl, looks up at me as if to say "You go get it!"

2008-02-13T00:31:00.000+01:00

So someone called today, needed help with a password reset.
They call up and say something about having password problems and they can't login.
So, me being the person who is probably going to help them ask them the most obvious question "What system?"
I am met with silence, a long breath, another long pause and finally "How the hell am I supposed to know?"

2008-02-11T01:03:00.000+01:00

I came upstairs, turned the corner and found one of the kids stark naked standing on a step stool twisted and turning trying to look at her bottom.
No mirror in the room, so I asked why she was on the stool. She said it was so she could see better.

2008-02-07T18:46:00.000+01:00

So, I woke up this morning and felt awful so I called off.
I came back to bed and found the dog in my spot.
She went for the warm spot.
Warm dog.
So, I tried to find a spot on the bed for me.
I took the dog's spot.
I woke up at one point only a few inches from the rear of the basset hound.
She, umm, how do I phrase this...
She "tooted" right then, I nearly gagged, passed out and choked.
I'm guessing she has had her revenge upon some past transgression I've done upon her.

2008-01-30T21:31:00.000+01:00

My youngest daughter is weird.
She has adopted the broken cable modem as her "baby" and carries it with her.
Earlier she bathed it.
If it wasn't broken, it is now I imagine.

2008-01-28T02:39:00.000+01:00

The wife found a new recipe for spaghetti.
You saute all the veggies, that makes the sauce and you don't use a 'real' sauce like you would think of normally.
It was quite tasty.
like my wife! :)

2008-01-26T21:54:00.001+01:00

When a child grooms herself using toothpaste, soap and conditioner in her hair it might lead to trouble.

2008-01-26T02:16:00.000+01:00

Well, I scared the crap out of one of the kids tonight.
Man, that wall is going to need to be scraped and painted now.

2008-01-20T03:43:00.000+01:00

If I had a polar bear, I would name it Pickles

2008-01-15T23:50:00.002+01:00

Today was stupid day at work.

One person called, wanted more memory for her computer because, and I quote, "It takes a long time to uninstall programs"

Someone else called and wanted a local tech to come out and look at their machine because a modem in Connecticut wasn't answering.

2008-01-15T23:50:00.001+01:00

My youngest daughter asked me how old she had to be to get married.
I told her 40 or over my dead body.

2007-12-30T21:21:00.000+01:00

My daughter just walked in and asked me to poke her butt.
I asked her why her mom never asks me that question.

2007-12-13T16:20:00.000+01:00

I spend all day on the phone providing tech support.
So, people are wishing me "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" or some other type of sentiment.
I appreciate it, but I've decided I don't want to get in trouble in case I offend someone with my phrase of "May the Flying Spaghetti Monster endow you with empowerment and being" or "Festivus!".
So, my holiday greeting is going to be "May the Force be with you!"
It is non-denominational and it really helps if you are fighting a Sith Lord.

2007-12-13T00:49:00.000+01:00

So, we're eating dinner at Bob Evans.
While we're waiting the kids are doing the little booklet that doubles as a menu and entertainment for them.
We get to the word search.
My wife laughs.
She looks at the word search.
I'm thinking she has found a dirty word.
Plain as day, right smack on the word search is the word "satan".
We laugh.
I debate making a scene since we're in the bible belt.
I decide against it.
But, I figure we have a movie plot on our hands.
After all, an anagram of Bob Evans is Save Bono.
So, I figure a god (not THE GOD) has probably given me a mission to SAVE BONO from SATAN!

2007-12-08T17:00:00.000+01:00

I am glad there are laws.
Laws are there to protect people.
[Jetta] what ya do now?
Nothing.
Because there are laws.
Laws that protect a four year old from getting whacked in the middle of the library after throwing a hissy fit because she can't check out a Harlequin romance novel.
But, it was cool.
Santa was downstairs.
Her activity was reported.

2007-12-05T01:21:00.000+01:00

So this guy at work today sounded like Truman Capote.
I would have to put him on hold so I could either laugh or mock.
It was great.
He couldn't understand how a web site named "xyzzy" could somehow update his secure information on doman called "abc123"
I finally said "Ever shop at Amazon.com?"
He said he did.
I said "What does something named amazon have to do with books?"
He said point taken and used the web site and we both got on with our lives.

2007-12-04T23:06:00.001+01:00

Well, time for dinner.
It is loaf of meat.
My wife got the recipe from my mom.
Someone keep a phone handy.
I might need medical attention.
Or possibly a priest, or perhaps a good attorney.

2007-11-28T00:55:00.000+01:00

I like basset hounds.
I am the same way.
I drool.
I'm quiet, unless left unsupervised.

2007-11-27T17:45:00.000+01:00

The other day I had a caller ask if we could make their printer print slower because they weren't prepared to handle it being so fast. You have to think the person getting that trouble ticket is scratching their head, but the customer asks for service so we put in the request. "Customer requests printer won't print so fast." When we write up the tickets, we read them back so the customer can confirm what we've entered. In this case the customer agreed with what I wrote. I added a little note in the tech notes for the field tech, as well. At first I was going to apologize then I decided they needed a laugh as well.

2007-11-27T14:30:00.000+01:00

My first caller of the day...
The phone rings, I answer with my usual phrase and the customer says "Oh, I guess I should break it so you can fix it. I'll call back after I do that." *click*
You have to wonder.

2007-11-27T01:21:00.000+01:00

So the other day I was driving down the road, saw one of those "Attractions" signs that they post so you'll know what is nearby as far as sights and entertainment and such.
I got a little upset.
So, on this road sign was "Your Mom -- 4 miles".
I thought that a bit rude.

2007-11-19T00:23:00.000+01:00

I came upstairs to help the kids get ready for the evening, bath time, picking out clothes and such.
I get to the top of the stairs, and look over and there stands one of the twins naked as a jaybird, her legs slightly apart and she has a mirror and is using it to check herself out.
I asked what was going on, she said nothing.
Yep, she's a kid.
I asked if she had questions, she said she did.
I asked her if she wanted to go talk to mom.
She said she did.
I left, poured myself a double and went back to playing computer games.
I will not survive three girls, puberty, and boys I think.

2007-11-17T19:02:00.001+01:00

Well, I just tried to do the Snoopy dance in celebration of It's a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. I think I threw out my back.

2007-11-12T13:53:00.001+01:00

A customer calls with a system problem.
I ask them to power off the computer.
They ask me if they should power it off completely.
I debated telling them to only shut off what wasn't working and we'd
leave the good stuff on.

2007-11-12T13:33:00.000+01:00

So I'm watching the tv show Numb3rs the other night.
The episode is about an MMORPG and some other stuff.
The characters in the show are talking about their characters in the game, and using gaming lingo.
Builds, guilds, alliances and other nonsense.
In any case I looked over at my wife and said "I sound like that, don't I?"
She said yes.
I said "Damn, I'm such the nerd."
She said yes.

For my MMORPG friends that read the blog, the final line should be "She said that my build sucks and I should shut up and respec."

2007-11-03T15:35:00.000+01:00

So, I went looking in the cabinet today for a new razor.
I noticed the plethora of feminine products.
They were "light" or "mini" or "with wings", and it got me to thinking.
If dudes got periods instead of women, our products would be stuff like "Blood Dam 4000", "Clotstopper 2K", and "Mega Flow Blocker with Extras"
We wouldn't have wussy product names. We'd have cool products.
"The Hoover Dam of flow control" would be a tagline.
There'd be a skull on the packaging.
We wouldn't have wings on 'em, we'd have flames!
So, after that line of thinking I realized something else.
If guys got periods, we'd cure it.

2007-11-03T01:45:00.001+01:00

My wife is punishing me for napping.
She went out to get dinner while I was unconscious.
She brought home Little Caesar's pizza.

2007-11-02T08:25:00.001+01:00

Would an earthquake on Mars be a marsquake or can non-Earth soil be deemed "earth" or would you go outside and dig in the mars if you lived there?

After asking the question all I heard was a bang and a thud from his cube.

2007-11-01T01:36:00.000+01:00

I just told my wife that I thought her arse was haunted, or possibly possessed.
I offered to exorcise it for her.

2007-10-28T17:03:00.000+01:00

Uh oh, I've been told we are going over to my mom's place.
We have to go, because that is where the littlest one is being kept at this time.
Apparently my suggestion to leave her there until college was nixed by the others.

2007-10-20T05:31:00.001+02:00

Oh well, I'm out.
I'll be back.
Tomorrow.
Unless I get a better offer.
Or a computer that'll be stable with WoW.
Or the wife drinks too much.

2007-10-20T05:12:00.000+02:00

Trying to play some WoW on the other machine.
Watching it die, then listening to me curse, then yelling at the wife to stop yelling at me for cursing at the computer.

2007-10-18T01:11:00.001+02:00

The wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday and for Christmas.
Apparently nookie either isn't an option or is already gifted.

2007-10-14T04:25:00.000+02:00

We took the four year old to the movies today.
At one point she was dancing in the aisle with the empty popcorn bucket on her head.
Yeah, there is my future Ivy Leaguer.

2007-10-11T02:43:00.000+02:00

The littlest one has returned home.
My mom apparently had enough of her.
I don't know.
I got home.
The little one was here.
The wife was drinking, crying and curled up in the fetal position.

2007-10-09T00:04:00.000+02:00

I'm trying to convince the wife into makin' out since we're kidless.
She isn't interesting.
er, interested.
She's interesting.
:)

2007-10-06T21:46:00.000+02:00

The four year old beat me with a stick to wake me up.
We went to the library, her soccer game, then a birthday party for a classmate of hers.
We're home now.
I'm hiding out.

2007-10-06T04:45:00.000+02:00

Nite folks
Bed is calling to me.
Collect, though.
Which is weird.
I gave it a calling card to use.

2007-10-05T13:38:00.001+02:00

Customer Service Week continues at my office.
Yesterday was pajama day, nothing says customer service like boxer shorts and hair up in curlers.
Today is Redneck day. We are in Kentucky.
How is today any different than any other day?
I guess if someone dresses up in something other than a rented powder blue tuxedo that might count.

2007-10-02T13:16:00.000+02:00

It is "Customer Service Week" at my office this week.
In celebration of it, today is "Pirate Day". After all, no other group says customer service quite like pirates.

2007-10-02T02:08:00.001+02:00

My daughter is tricky.
She is coniving [sic]
She asked me to play Star Wars.
Star Wars Barbies!
(everyone else) HA HA!

2007-09-25T22:11:00.001+02:00

I like you.
You're fun.
If you had boobs, it'd be even better.

2007-09-25T03:11:00.000+02:00

So I got home today, and found that someone had fed the dog an amazing amount of chili or something.
She had a poop fest in the living room.
My wife called, right as I walked in and made this discovery.
I asked her if she wanted to clean up the dogs mess.
She said no, I could clean it up.
I said okay, you'll clean up my mess when I get sick.
Women are impervious to odor, smell and foulness after they bear children.

2007-09-23T18:37:00.001+02:00

Although my mother-in-law has the same birthday as my daughter.
It angers my mom, she thinks we need to have another kid and have it on her birthday to make it even.

2007-09-20T00:41:00.000+02:00

So I asked the kids what they wanted for dinner.
One said Mexican.
Another said Italian.
A third said Canadian.
I'm raising a smart ass.

2007-09-15T18:58:00.000+02:00

I went to Mickey Dee's.
The kids are in the play place having fun.
This really, really fat kid waddles into the zone.
He is wheezing to walk.
The illegitimate son of the Michelin Man is in the house when this kid is around.
He lugs himself over to the playground and proceeds to maneuver into the play place.
It is like a giant Habitrail for kids, with tubes and levels and slides and stuff.
The kid barely fits into the playset.
He is climbing or sliding around and is wheezing, and crying that he can't make it.
I'm thinking, "Wow, I am going to be on the evening news when the kid has to be rescued with the jaws of life".
So he manages to flop himself into the slide tube and pulls himself out.
His mom, Jabba the Hutt, comes into the play area and tells him it is time to go.
He gets all sad.
He can't bend over to tie his own shoes he is so big.
He isn't that old, you can tell but he is huge.
Mom ties his shoes, and says she'll get him something.
I'm thinking "Jenny Craig", instead I see 'em eating when I leave and he's working on a Double QP.
Sad.
It really ruined me eating my double mega order of biscuits and gravy.

2007-09-10T18:42:00.001+02:00

I work at a help desk. The calls I get are the usual.
Today I had one of those calls that shouldn't surprise you.
The customer called in because they couldn't change their password on a system they didn't have an account on and were kind of perturbed about it.
I asked them to make sure they didn't have an account, and that they weren't just using the wrong system. The confirmed they didn't have an account.
I checked the system and they didn't have an account.
I asked them why they wanted to change the password on an account that didn't exist.
They thought they should be able to do it for some reason.
I can't figure it out.
I said to apply for an account on that system then they could change the password on the account.
They asked me to make the account for them because if they did the paperwork it would be a waste of time.
I think they must have worked for the government.

2007-09-06T23:11:00.001+02:00

It is warm in here.
Now it is cold in here.
I'm having hot flashes.
I think I have the menopause or something.

2007-09-03T20:01:00.000+02:00

So, between my wife and I we have six degrees.
One of the kids had brake problems on their little bike.
So we worked on it.
We're educated.
We can't fix the front brake.
Somehow I end up taking off the rear tire, the chain and the seat to try to fix this.
I'm not mechanically inclined.
Maybe I'll go get pizza.

2007-09-02T15:31:00.001+02:00

So, the dog ate an entire loaf of bread apparently.
The wife put the bread on the table.
Somehow the dog managed to get to the middle of the table, get the bag open then proceed to eat the entire thing.
The dog is going to either be clogged up for quite some time or will be jonesing for some peanut butter and jelly pretty soon.